Calm one minute… snapping the next. It can feel like your child has a radar for pushing every button, leaving you wondering if you’ll ever get it right. But what if those reactions weren’t about being a ‘bad parent’ at all. What if there’s something deeper at play? In this post, you’ll discover a simple shift that helps you understand your nervous system and create more space to respond, not just react.
Everyone learns differently and that’s why we’ve created this post as both a written blog and a video. Choose whichever format works best for you!
Read below OR watch here
My meltdown in real life
Picture this: my kids are watching TV before school. I hear one yell, “STOPPP, YOU IDIOT!” followed by the thud of body parts colliding, then another scream of pain. I rush in, putting my body between them to break it up. I move them to opposite ends of the couch and clearly set the rule: keep your body parts to yourself and stay on separate sides of the couch.
For a hot second, I feel like I’m handling it. I even hear my internal voice repeating, “I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine.” But the sounds start again. Next thing I know, I’m yelling, shoving, and regretting it instantly. For years, I thought this made me a “bad parent.”
Sound familiar?
Here’s what I wish someone had told me years ago: it’s not about being “bad.” Your nervous system isn’t just reacting to what’s happening right now, it’s carrying a lifetime of experiences. Those overreactions, that exhaustion that doesn’t match your day, getting triggered even when life feels okay… it all makes sense once you look underneath.
Want to understand why?
Today, I’m walking you through the 4 common nervous system states, explained in real parenting terms!
- Calm + Connected (safe enough)
You can think clearly, listen, and guide.
Example: You notice your child’s feelings and respond with patience.
- Fight or Flight (activated)
Your body gets tense, your breath speeds up, your heart races.
Example: You snap, argue, or feel the urge to walk away fast.
- Freeze (overloaded)
You feel numb, stuck, or “done.”
Example: You shut down, give in, or check out emotionally.
- Fawn (appease/over-accommodate)
You prioritise keeping the peace, even at your own expense.
Example: You rush to fix it, give too much, or smooth things over so no one gets upset, even if it means ignoring your own needs.
Want to know why none of these are “bad”?
- Sympathetic activation (fight/flight) is functional and necessary. It helps you run, lift, focus, play, and show up with energy.
- Parasympathetic states (rest/restore) aren’t “good,” and sympathetic states aren’t “bad.”
- Real regulation isn’t about being zen 24/7. It’s about flexibility. Moving between states and coming back to being grounded enough. Sometimes you need energy, sometimes you need calm, and your body is already showing you which one. What matters is range and choice. True regulation means you can experience all of these states, move between them, and return to being grounded when you need to.
What true regulation actually looks like
When I talk about regulation, I don’t mean pretending everything’s calm when it’s chaos. I mean:
- Feeling safe enough to experience big emotions without drowning in them
- Grounding afterwards and returning to your baseline faster
- Responding flexibly to life’s challenges
- Choosing how you respond, instead of masking how you feel
What it isn’t:
- Faking calm on top of chaos
- Avoiding activation or chasing quick fixes
- Forcing yourself to “be the bigger person” while your body is screaming no
Kids are way better at reading our nervous systems than our words. That calm mask you’re putting on? It can be confusing. Authentic regulation says: “Feelings are safe here and we know how to steady afterward.
Why you react before you even realise it
Your reactions aren’t random. They were shaped by:
- Earlier experiences
- Messages you absorbed about behaviour and control
The breakthrough isn’t learning to breathe past your triggers forever. It’s about updating the system that created them in the first place.
Where nervous system work fits in
Gentle parasympathetic practices, like Rebirthing Breathwork Mastery, give you a structured way to:
- Access deeper patterns
- Bring awareness to old decisions about yourself, others, and safety
- Create new patterns that actually serve you today
Over time, this strengthens your baseline nervous system health and expands your capacity for big feelings. That’s what gives you the space to choose your response, instead of reacting automatically.
Reflection prompt
Think back to the last time you snapped. Before it happened:
- Did you notice any clues: physical sensations, emotions, or thoughts?
- What was happening in your body: jaw, chest, breath, heat, numbness?
- What emotions showed up: panic, fear, worry?
- What thoughts tagged along: “I have to control this,” “I can’t handle this,” or even “I’ve got this”?
👉Just noticing is the first step. You don’t have to fix anything yet. Awareness is powerful.
A 10-second practice to support yourself before you “lose it”
Nervous system work is amazing for long-term change, but we all need tools in the moment. Try this quick P.A.U.S.E. practice next time you feel yourself on the edge:
P – Pause: Take a moment before reacting.
A – Acknowledge: Name what you feel: physical, emotional, or thought.
U – Use your senses: Ground through sight, sound, touch, taste, or smell.
S – Slow your breathing: Take longer, fuller breaths in and out through your nose.
E – Ease yourself with a phrase: “I’m doing good-enough parenting.” or “They’re a good kid having a hard time.”
✨ Parenting (especially of neurodivergent children) is full of messy, beautiful moments. You don’t have to get it perfect, you just need to keep showing up the best you can in each moment. Some days look different than others, and that’s okay.
Comment below your thoughts & feelings!
Leave a Reply