Have you ever caught yourself saying something to your child and immediately thought: ‘Wow, I sound just like my mum/dad/teacher?’ That’s not a coincidence, that’s conditioning. Most of us walk into parenting carrying invisible scripts from the way we were raised. The question is: are we repeating those old patterns, or choosing something new? In this blog
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Are You Parenting From Conditioning or Choice?
Most of us walk into parenting carrying invisible scripts and hidden beliefs. The rules we grew up with. The voices of our parents, grandparents, or teachers echoing in our heads. The ideas we absorbed about what makes a “good child” or a “good parent.”
Before I had children, and even in my early parenting, I thought I had to be strong no matter what. Stand firm. Hold my ground. That’s what I saw growing up, and I believed that’s what kids needed.I’m not saying that’s always “bad”, there are times when standing firm is needed. But here’s what I’ve come to realise: often, we’re not parenting from choice. We’re parenting from conditioning. And there’s so much more nuance than simply picking a style and saying “I’m going to stick with this no matter what.”
A Story From My Own Conditioning
I used to think that if I gave in, I was being “weak.” That if I softened, I would lose control and my kids would walk all over me. That they would “get away with it.” That they’d run amok and never learn that rules and boundaries matter. I also thought they would stop respecting me.
But those beliefs weren’t really mine. I’d absorbed them from generations before me, from TV shows like Super Nanny, and from a culture that told parents their authority mattered most, that kids needed to be controlled, and that adults always knew best.
When I began learning about behaviour, I realised something important: behaviour is the symptom of a problem, not the problem itself. What I thought was “the right way” was actually conditioning.
And as I learned more about the science of behaviour, brain development, and children’s nervous systems and as I noticed how these old methods didn’t really work (and didn’t feel good for me either), I realised they weren’t aligned with the kind of parent I wanted to be, or the relationship I wanted with my kids.
The Echoes of Childhood Rules
Think about the rules or phrases you grew up with:
- “Children should be seen and not heard.”
- “Don’t talk back.”
- “Brush it off, you’re fine.”
- “Good girls and boys always comply.”
These don’t just disappear. They echo in our heads when we’re stressed, tired, or triggered. And before we know it, we’re repeating them with our own kids, even if we swore we never would.
That’s conditioning at work.
Conditioning vs. Choice
Conditioning says:
- “I must always stand firm.”
- “Respect means obedience.”
- “If I don’t punish this, they’ll never learn.”
Hint: (It often begins with the word should – “I should do X,” “They should do Y.”)
Choice says:
- “What does my child need in this moment?”
- “How can I guide instead of control?”
- “Is this rule about connection and safety – or just about power?”
Why This Matters
When we parent from conditioning, we often act out of fear, control, or old scripts. Our kids pick up on that and they feel it in their bodies, even if we try to mask it.
When we parent from choice, we pause. We notice what’s driving our response. We decide whether it matches our values now, not the values handed down decades ago.
That shift creates space for genuine connection. It shows our kids that respect is mutual, not one-sided.
Reflection Prompt
What’s one rule or phrase you grew up with about behaviour that still echoes in your head today? Do you want to keep it or is it time to let it go?
It might not always be specific words. Sometimes it’s more of a feeling that comes up when you feel triggered.
Here’s an example from my own life: I used to get really angry if my kids woke before 5am. If the clock said 4:58am, I would be livid. My fears would spiral: “They’re not getting enough sleep,” “Waking before 5am is not okay.” I’d try to force them to stay in their rooms quietly. Of course, they didn’t have the skills to manage that – and I’d end up even more angry.
When I finally let that expectation go and replaced it with a new one – “I trust their bodies will get the sleep they need” – I allowed them to quietly put the TV on in the playroom with the door shut. It was achievable for them, and I felt relief.
I had been holding on so tightly to a belief and focusing on controlling the behaviour. Honestly, the more you try to change behaviour alone, the more frustrated you become. But when you notice your beliefs and shift your expectations, that’s where the power lies.
Looking Ahead
These old patterns don’t just live in our thoughts, they live in our bodies and nervous systems.
Next week, I’ll bring everything together: how the nervous system, beliefs, and conditioning form a cycle in parenting.
Please leave your thoughts in the comments, we would love to hear from you!