You’ve tried the consequences, the rewards, the firm “no’s,” even the time-outs. Sometimes they seem to work… until they don’t. And then you’re left asking yourself: Why won’t my child just listen? But here’s the thing: it’s not that you’re failing or that your child is “too defiant.” The real problem is that most traditional discipline strategies weren’t designed to build the skills kids actually need, or the connection that makes behaviour change last. In this blog, you’ll discover why traditional discipline doesn’t actually work long-term and what to do instead.
Everyone learns differently and that’s why we’ve created this post as both a written blog and a video. Choose whichever format works best for you!
Read below OR watch here
Most parents search for “discipline hacks” – how to get kids to listen, what consequence will work, how do I stop defiant behaviour.
Underneath that search is often exhaustion and hopelessness. You’ve tried consequences, firm boundaries, “staying strong,” even rewards and bribes. They might work for a moment, but they don’t stick – and you’re left feeling like you’re failing.
Honestly, sometimes those strategies have their place (that’s a blog for another time). But here’s the truth: most traditional discipline methods don’t work long term and in some cases, they can even cause harm.
The Discipline We Grew Up With
I’ll be the first to admit that I still fall back into these patterns at times, even when I know better. This style of parenting, often called authoritarian, is how I was raised. It’s what I absorbed from parents, grandparents, teachers, and society.
I grew up in the Super Nanny era. I loved that show.
I remember watching it with my mum. The episodes all looked the same: “out-of-control kids” and “weak parents” who couldn’t hold boundaries. Then the Super Nanny would sweep in and show them how to be strong, firm, and in control. I used to feel smug, thinking: “My mum does it right. She’s strong. She knows how to hold boundaries. When I’m a parent, I’ll do the same.”
Recently I looked her up and watched a short clip. And honestly, I was horrified.
In the video, a young boy – not even four years old – asked his mum for a sandwich. She said no and asked him to ‘wait a bit’. He became upset, kept reaching for the food, and grew more distressed. His mum repeated no, and that’s when the Super Nanny interrupted: “Time to put him in time-out for not listening.”
This little boy, already beside himself, was placed in a “time-out area” – a stool in front of a gate with a sign on it. His mum was then instructed to make him say sorry for not listening whilst he sobbed.
I was in tears watching this. My whole body had goosebumps in the worst way. His brain was in survival mode, his amygdala lit up, and he had no capacity to process her words. Yet he was being punished for not understanding and for expressing his big feelings.
This wasn’t teaching or holding a boundary, it was confusing and full of disconnection.
What Was Missing in That Moment?
- There was no clear expectation set beforehand. What was he allowed to eat at that time? What was he supposed to be doing while his mum sat in the kitchen?
- He may have simply been responding to his body cues of hunger, a universal need. When we’re hungry, we can start to move outside our “window of tolerance” for listening and learning. Who hasn’t been hangry before?
- “Wait a bit” is vague. For a young child, there’s no way to know how long “a bit” means.
I could go on but this part is not the point of my story. I want to talk about where our beliefs as parents often come from…
The Beliefs Driving Discipline
If this is what we grew up watching on TV, of course we thought this was the “right” way to parent.
My own beliefs used to sound like this:
- Parents must be in control.
- Kids should respect adults.
- If you don’t punish, they won’t learn.
Many of us carry these subconscious beliefs too. They come from our own upbringing and conditioning, not from what actually helps children grow.
I feel so fortunate that through my work in behaviour support, I discovered another way, one that’s far more compassionate and supportive for both parent and child.
Traditional discipline isn’t failing because you’re doing it wrong. It’s failing because it’s built on outdated beliefs about control, obedience, and respect.
Why Traditional Discipline Doesn’t Work (Or Causes Harm)
You might be thinking: “But it worked didn’t it? By the end of the episode, the kids were better behaved.”
Here’s why it looks like it works, but doesn’t hold long term:
- It may shut down behaviour in the moment, but doesn’t address the unmet need underneath.
- Children may learn to mask emotions and comply out of fear, rather than building true skills.
- It focuses on compliance, not connection.
- Kids learn to fear consequences, not build problem-solving or flexibility.
- It doesn’t address the root cause of the behaviour.
- For neurodivergent children especially, it can fuel shame and teach them they are “bad” or “wrong.”
Giving a time-out to a distressed child communicates: your feelings deserve punishment, and you don’t deserve connection when you’re upset. Over time, children may learn: big feelings = pain and disconnection.
What To Do Instead (Positive Parent Solutions)
- Connect before correct – regulation first, solutions second.
- Curiosity over control – ask, “What’s getting in the way?” instead of “Why won’t you just do it?”
- Problem-solve together – invite your child into solutions (e.g. Collaborative & Proactive Solutions).
Believe in “not yet” – your child may not have the skills yet. Skills like flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem-solving take time. If they could, they would. And when they can, they will.
The Hard Truth (And Gentle Reminder)
These old discipline beliefs run deep. We’re among the first generations questioning them, breaking cycles, doing things differently.
And it’s not easy. These patterns live in our nervous systems. Even when we know better, we sometimes slip. I still do.
The work isn’t about perfection.
It’s about continuing to notice, shift, and slowly rewire.
Reflection Prompt
Next time you feel the urge to discipline, pause and notice what belief comes up:
- Does the belief “I need to be in control” come up?
- Or “They should listen”?
- Or something else?
What you notice is the first step to change.
Looking Ahead
These discipline responses aren’t random. They’re driven by old beliefs stored in the body and nervous system.
Next week, I’ll share more on conditioning: how the rules and messages we grew up with echo into our parenting today and how to start shifting them.
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